so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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