While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she told me i tasted like america
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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