M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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