He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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