giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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