she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
