Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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