mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is Oprah even human
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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