This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
