Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
