I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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