too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
