did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
