1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
