There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
try to milk me bitch
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
