If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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