i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
