I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
