a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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