Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
Randomize
