A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
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hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
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My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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