I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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