Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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