You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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