2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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