just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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