You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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