the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
