You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
