dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
