well I can't set my house on fire every night
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
organizing the empties. That sober.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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