mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
