Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
pray to the hookup gods
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
