He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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