He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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