I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
