Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
