oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
