I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
