just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
