I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
