my phone needs a breathalizer
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I could fuck to npr.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
