I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
