the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
