shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
