I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
