Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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