This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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