Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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