Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My ass is underappreciated
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
