If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
