Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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