I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
