george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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