i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
