i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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