I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
