My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
