Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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